"He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those that hated me for they were too strong for me- they had attacked me in the days of my distress. BUT, the Lord was my support. He brought me out, into a safe place. He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19
This is part of my story. And it is interwoven with Papa's grace and
unfathomable love, calling me out of myself and into the light.
It's strange how you can run and go your own way, and then years down
the track, you figure out that what you ran from, was who you were created to
be all along.
Mid 2011, I made a conscious choice to turn my back on God. I had seen
miracles and knew He was real, but I had also seen a lot of horror, and I
decided that it outweighed the goodness.
My Mama was in a very abusive stage of her 10 year battle with
Huntington's, I had just found out that my Dad was having a long term affair,
and I was undergoing DNA testing to find out if I had inherited my Mama's
disease. I felt so lost and afraid, as if my whole world was crumbling and
there was not one person in the entire universe who saw and understood my
pain.
The testing process started in January 2011 and was a yearlong agony of discussions with medical
professionals, waiting, counselling, more waiting and blood tests, culminating
in a terrifying twenty minutes in the hospital waiting room to hear if I would
live or die.
The professionals tried to counsel me against testing- they said I was
only young and they had never met a girl my age strong enough to deal with
anything that big. I told them I wasn't the average teenager and got it done
anyway. I was already living my life as if I had HD, so why delay finding
out?
Almost a year later brought me to the cold, formal hospital waiting room
with my ever faithful best friend by my side. I was so nervous and I remember
trying with all my heart to believe I was free of it, but my logical side
telling me that it wasn't possible with a 50/50 percent chance of inheritance.
My name was called and in a daze I walked through to the consulting room, I
don't even remember sitting down, and the Geneticist told me it was good news
and I was clear! There was so much relief in that moment, but it has only
really been in the last year that I have processed the fact that I will never,
ever, ever die from the destructive evil that is Huntington's.
After living for years imagining I would never love, have children, or
grow old, and having "I might be dying" as my identity; being finally
freed from that kind of left me at a loss. I could finally look to my future,
choose a career to study, fall in love, imagine myself as an old woman- the
world was my oyster, but I didn't know what to do with it and so I floundered.
The years that followed began a spiral downwards. As I chose to move
further and further away from Papa's heart, I got deeper and deeper stuck in my
mess. I began to lose who I was: I buried the dreams that God had given me and
denied myself of who I was. I went from being a happy, bubbly, out-going
extrovert; to being a shell of myself- a quiet, scared, hermit version of me
that didn't like to go out or do anything much other than hide from the world.
My family situation got more and more complex and horrific through those
years, and the stress and agonising over decisions that needed to be made about
Mama and family and confrontations almost drove me mad. I got really depressed
and could hardly even get out of bed to face each new day.
In September 2013, I noticed that my Mama had stopped eating whenever
the family was around (she was living in residential care), and several weeks
later she told us that she had made a decision to stop eating. Huntington's had
gotten her to the point of not really being able to walk or talk, she couldn't
swallow whole foods, and she hated how much pain she was in and how much pain
she could see it was causing us kids. She said she refused to put us through
another ten years of watching her slow death, her body fading into a skeletal form,
with her fully working mind trapped like a prisoner on the end of her wordless
tongue.
And so she stopped. Daily she made the choice to walk another
twenty-four hours towards inevitable death. It was the hardest three months of
my life. I had never, ever had a true relationship with her due to her anger
and abuse growing up, and although parts of me disliked her immensely, I also
loved her with a love I did not understand.
Mama - Karyn Elaine Bay: Pure; Shining Light; Forgiven.
Passed away on 5 December 2013.
Life tried to continue like normal, but nothing was the same. I missed
it all, even her anger. Mama was a very flawed woman, full of regret and
mistakes, she had been deeply hurt and she caused deep hurt. But ultimately she
knew her weaknesses, she admitted her wrongs and begged for forgiveness. She
loved us children with a love greater than life- she often showed it in
strange, stupid ways over the years, but my golly, she loved us - we were her
life. And to her last words, she held on to the hope of heaven. She would tell
me how excited she was to meet her Jesus, and to see her Daddy again- she said
she would dance with joy and sing songs to all her babies she had lost along
the years. She held my hand and she said "I am praying for you my darling
Madeline. It will be OK. And I know I will see you in heaven one day, God has
great plans for you." I will never really understand the life that was
hers. One day I have a lot of questions to ask Papa about that.
God had been gently drawing me in for many months, speaking sweetly to
my heart and slowly teaching me how to trust Him again. Those years had been
long without Him, but I still felt I couldn’t trust Him with what had happened
to Mama and in watching my dear Daddy turn from a kind-hearted, strong man of
valour, to a bitter and deceptive man, acting out of a lifetime of brokenness. I
had been so badly hurt that it took me every moment of the past three years to
stop trying to “protect” myself by keeping my heart shut off.
All through those hard years, I knew God was there, ready to strengthen
me if all I would do was ask. He showed me so many little things through it,
small reminders along the way that He loved me deeply and had a bigger plan for
me. And in the moments where I felt so alone and no-one around me understood
the despair eating me up inside, I would run to Him, fall to my knees and pour
out my tears to Him. I wanted to find Him so desperately, but I knew I had made
mistakes and I didn't know how to find Him- I felt like there was a blocking
between me and Papa.
On Waitangi Day 2014, I decided I would write His words on my wrist, so
that every single time I looked down, I would remember what Love looked like.
 |
| "For I am convinced... no power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing, nothing, NOTHING in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God..." Romans 8:38-39 |
For the next few months, each time I lowered my head in defeat, I saw
victory written on my wrist and it reminded me of truth.
Sunday, 16 March 2014 was a significant day for me. My old church,
Grace Vineyard was reopening from the earthquakes, and as I used to love that
church, I plucked up the courage to go along with Ajae.
(Ajae – Ann-Elise {Graced with God’s goodness}, sweet, precious woman!
Without her, I feel it would have taken much longer to find my Jesus again. She
has been the most constant, influential friend and sister one could ever dream
of. I will ever be thankful for her)
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8
So, Grace. It is home – I never realised how very much I missed my Papa
God until I got a taste of His presence once again. Such awesome sweetness! I
was so very empty when I went along. I was torn between the place I was in
{knowing I would be changed} and the place I wanted to be, but I could deny my
heart no longer.
And so I went to Grace, in search of my first Love and the only One who
could save me from myself and my desperate, unhappy and dissatisfied state.
Walking into Grace for the first time in three and a half years was like
walking into the home of my long-lost family- everyone was so welcoming. I
walked up to that doorway with such trepidation and uncertainty, but when I
crossed the threshold, I was filled with a sweet calm that I had not felt for
so very, very long.
I don’t really remember what the message was as I wasn’t listening too
deeply, but it was about the Father Heart of God. It was a man named Rick
Olmstead and he kept talking over & over about how much Papa loved us ~ no
matter what. He did an illustration with a $50 note and asked how much it was
worth… $50. Then he screwed it up, put dirt on it, ripped it a little, spat on
it and then asked what it is worth… $50. Still the same value. Just as it is
with God. We may have been abused, hurt, raped, rejected, completely and
utterly messed up and ruined… but still, we are worth just the same to God.
He also talked about how Jesus did not come to save us from the Father,
but that the Father looked down and saw us hurt and alone and it just broke His
heart. So He told Jesus to go down and get us and bring us to Him. See, Jesus
didn’t come to save us from the Father, but to bring us to Him. Such love.
Then Rick did an alter call for those who did not have fathers to come
up and get ministry. As that was going on, he said God gave him a word, and
that those who had fathers but it is as if the fathers had died, to come up. My
heart opened at that sentence and I began to tremble violently and sob harder
than I ever have. So I got out of my seat and walked up the aisle, towards a
Papa who would love me, protect me and care for me, even though my earthly
Daddy did not. I don’t remember much after that expect lying on my face before
God, crying out the anguish and heartache that had filled my entire life. As I
lay there crying, God showed me that I had walked out and started doubting God
the same time I found out Dad had been having an affair and had become a man of
deception rather than the man of God he used to be. When my earthly Daddy
became false, untrustworthy and abandoned me, I immediately thought Papa God
was just the same, so I shut my away my heart before that could happen and
rebelled against everything I knew was right so I would not get hurt. I never had
connected the two events before, so it kind of hit me like lightening!
By the grace of God, my eyes were opened that night and I felt the
healing love of God being to flow through my veins and start to restore my
soul. He makes everything beautiful in His time, even the damaged, untrusting
wreck that was me. I chose in that moment, to give my life to God once again,
to turn my back on the sins in my life and to give all I had to follow Papa, to
the ends of the earth. I knew it would be far from an easy start, but far
better that than a life lived in pain and suspicion.
“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the
desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and
transform the Valley of Trouble into a Gateway of Hope. She will give herself
to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her
captivity.” Hosea 2:14-15 NLT
Since that night, it has been a wild journey of mostly up’s, but some
down’s too. An adventure into love and forgiveness, unmerited mercy and
countless grace. I am finally “Me” again. I am full of joy and light, not the
sad, scared, shell of a woman that I became over those harsh years.
I got baptised Sunday, 14 September 2014, and it has been a daily lesson
in continuing to leave my past behind me, in grace, right where it belongs and
looking forward with my eyes only on Him.
To higher and greater things!
“Oh, afflicted one, storm-battered and not comforted: I am rebuilding
you with stones of turquoise, laying your foundations with sapphires,
constructing your towers with rubies, your gates with jewels, and all your
walls with precious stones. All your children will be taught by God and great
will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established, oppression will
stay far from you, you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed
from you, it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be
from me. Though the mountains shake and the hills fall to pieces, my unfailing
love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed.” Isaiah
54:10-15
Love, love,
Madeline
