What's the word?

The light has faded to darkness, and with it the last moments of my 2015 grace the clock.

What a year this has been! Joyous and full of adventure, discovery, grace; scattered with a thorough helping of warring, discouragement and confusion. How very thankful I am for a Father who has not left my side for a moment along the way. When the world had failed me and I've felt alone, still He had my back. Still His touch and song was interwoven through my every moment, regardless how miniscule it may have been. 

Instead of a new years resolution, each year I ask Papa for a word he wants me to learn the meaning of. 

For 2015, He gave me "assertiveness". 

And so my goal for the year was to grow in my assertion, to learn to speak the truth, even if my voice shook. To uphold justice for those that have no voice, to stand more firm in my convictions and decisions. 

It's been my hardest word yet, and I learned it through fire, in courts and horrific situations. I feel proud of myself, that now, despite an entire life of being trodden over by other people and their injustices, I have learned how to speak up. I have learned the difference between compromising and giving up when a stand should be made. And I could not have done it without the grace of God. At times being assertive this year has almost crushed my spirit, but each time, the quiet but roaring presence of Papa and His Spirit has gotten me to the other side. 

In the quiet moments today I've been asking Him for my 2016 word. 

It is "contentment". 

To learn that whatever my situation- financially, physically, relationally- that my joy is found in Him. That without Him I have nothing, but with Him I have absolutely everything. 

That whatever is happening - good or bad - to be content in Him and to give thanks for He is good. 

"But this situation is horrifically bad and I should be in despair over it" NEVERTHELESS, HE is good, and so I can give thanks to Him and let my joy be found in Him.

"But I have nothing in this moment." NEVERTHELESS, HE is good, and so I can give thanks to Him and let my joy be found in Him. 

I am looking forward to learning this word. It will be hard, but it shall be so worth it. 

I love this song by Audrey Aussad: 

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want 

(https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m2SvTqlZ9KM)

This is my prayer for 2016- that I would be intoxicated with the taste of His goodness, so that everything else fades to black and only He remains. Eyes only on Him. Content wherever life may take me, because my heart is for Him and His is for me.

May 2016 bring you joy. May it be a year that you discover who you are. May you begin to know God in an entirely new way that you had never fathomed. 

Love Madeline 

The Drawing Near

"He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those that hated me for they were too strong for me- they had attacked me in the days of my distress. BUT, the Lord was my support. He brought me out, into a safe place. He delivered me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19

This is part of my story. And it is interwoven with Papa's grace and unfathomable love, calling me out of myself and into the light.

It's strange how you can run and go your own way, and then years down the track, you figure out that what you ran from, was who you were created to be all along.

Mid 2011, I made a conscious choice to turn my back on God. I had seen miracles and knew He was real, but I had also seen a lot of horror, and I decided that it outweighed the goodness.  

My Mama was in a very abusive stage of her 10 year battle with Huntington's, I had just found out that my Dad was having a long term affair, and I was undergoing DNA testing to find out if I had inherited my Mama's disease. I felt so lost and afraid, as if my whole world was crumbling and there was not one person in the entire universe who saw and understood my pain. 

The testing process started in January 2011 and was a yearlong agony of discussions with medical professionals, waiting, counselling, more waiting and blood tests, culminating in a terrifying twenty minutes in the hospital waiting room to hear if I would live or die.

The professionals tried to counsel me against testing- they said I was only young and they had never met a girl my age strong enough to deal with anything that big. I told them I wasn't the average teenager and got it done anyway. I was already living my life as if I had HD, so why delay finding out? 

Almost a year later brought me to the cold, formal hospital waiting room with my ever faithful best friend by my side. I was so nervous and I remember trying with all my heart to believe I was free of it, but my logical side telling me that it wasn't possible with a 50/50 percent chance of inheritance. My name was called and in a daze I walked through to the consulting room, I don't even remember sitting down, and the Geneticist told me it was good news and I was clear! There was so much relief in that moment, but it has only really been in the last year that I have processed the fact that I will never, ever, ever die from the destructive evil that is Huntington's.

After living for years imagining I would never love, have children, or grow old, and having "I might be dying" as my identity; being finally freed from that kind of left me at a loss. I could finally look to my future, choose a career to study, fall in love, imagine myself as an old woman- the world was my oyster, but I didn't know what to do with it and so I floundered.

The years that followed began a spiral downwards. As I chose to move further and further away from Papa's heart, I got deeper and deeper stuck in my mess. I began to lose who I was: I buried the dreams that God had given me and denied myself of who I was. I went from being a happy, bubbly, out-going extrovert; to being a shell of myself- a quiet, scared, hermit version of me that didn't like to go out or do anything much other than hide from the world.

My family situation got more and more complex and horrific through those years, and the stress and agonising over decisions that needed to be made about Mama and family and confrontations almost drove me mad. I got really depressed and could hardly even get out of bed to face each new day. 

In September 2013, I noticed that my Mama had stopped eating whenever the family was around (she was living in residential care), and several weeks later she told us that she had made a decision to stop eating. Huntington's had gotten her to the point of not really being able to walk or talk, she couldn't swallow whole foods, and she hated how much pain she was in and how much pain she could see it was causing us kids. She said she refused to put us through another ten years of watching her slow death, her body fading into a skeletal form, with her fully working mind trapped like a prisoner on the end of her wordless tongue.

And so she stopped. Daily she made the choice to walk another twenty-four hours towards inevitable death. It was the hardest three months of my life. I had never, ever had a true relationship with her due to her anger and abuse growing up, and although parts of me disliked her immensely, I also loved her with a love I did not understand. 

Mama - Karyn Elaine Bay: Pure; Shining Light; Forgiven. 

Passed away on 5 December 2013.

Life tried to continue like normal, but nothing was the same. I missed it all, even her anger. Mama was a very flawed woman, full of regret and mistakes, she had been deeply hurt and she caused deep hurt. But ultimately she knew her weaknesses, she admitted her wrongs and begged for forgiveness. She loved us children with a love greater than life- she often showed it in strange, stupid ways over the years, but my golly, she loved us - we were her life. And to her last words, she held on to the hope of heaven. She would tell me how excited she was to meet her Jesus, and to see her Daddy again- she said she would dance with joy and sing songs to all her babies she had lost along the years. She held my hand and she said "I am praying for you my darling Madeline. It will be OK. And I know I will see you in heaven one day, God has great plans for you." I will never really understand the life that was hers. One day I have a lot of questions to ask Papa about that. 

God had been gently drawing me in for many months, speaking sweetly to my heart and slowly teaching me how to trust Him again. Those years had been long without Him, but I still felt I couldn’t trust Him with what had happened to Mama and in watching my dear Daddy turn from a kind-hearted, strong man of valour, to a bitter and deceptive man, acting out of a lifetime of brokenness. I had been so badly hurt that it took me every moment of the past three years to stop trying to “protect” myself by keeping my heart shut off.

All through those hard years, I knew God was there, ready to strengthen me if all I would do was ask. He showed me so many little things through it, small reminders along the way that He loved me deeply and had a bigger plan for me. And in the moments where I felt so alone and no-one around me understood the despair eating me up inside, I would run to Him, fall to my knees and pour out my tears to Him. I wanted to find Him so desperately, but I knew I had made mistakes and I didn't know how to find Him- I felt like there was a blocking between me and Papa.

On Waitangi Day 2014, I decided I would write His words on my wrist, so that every single time I looked down, I would remember what Love looked like.

"For I am convinced... no power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing, nothing, NOTHING in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God..." Romans 8:38-39

For the next few months, each time I lowered my head in defeat, I saw victory written on my wrist and it reminded me of truth.  

Sunday, 16 March 2014 was a significant day for me. My old church, Grace Vineyard was reopening from the earthquakes, and as I used to love that church, I plucked up the courage to go along with Ajae.

(Ajae – Ann-Elise {Graced with God’s goodness}, sweet, precious woman! Without her, I feel it would have taken much longer to find my Jesus again. She has been the most constant, influential friend and sister one could ever dream of. I will ever be thankful for her)

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

So, Grace. It is home – I never realised how very much I missed my Papa God until I got a taste of His presence once again. Such awesome sweetness! I was so very empty when I went along. I was torn between the place I was in {knowing I would be changed} and the place I wanted to be, but I could deny my heart no longer.

And so I went to Grace, in search of my first Love and the only One who could save me from myself and my desperate, unhappy and dissatisfied state. Walking into Grace for the first time in three and a half years was like walking into the home of my long-lost family- everyone was so welcoming. I walked up to that doorway with such trepidation and uncertainty, but when I crossed the threshold, I was filled with a sweet calm that I had not felt for so very, very long.

I don’t really remember what the message was as I wasn’t listening too deeply, but it was about the Father Heart of God. It was a man named Rick Olmstead and he kept talking over & over about how much Papa loved us ~ no matter what. He did an illustration with a $50 note and asked how much it was worth… $50. Then he screwed it up, put dirt on it, ripped it a little, spat on it and then asked what it is worth… $50. Still the same value. Just as it is with God. We may have been abused, hurt, raped, rejected, completely and utterly messed up and ruined… but still, we are worth just the same to God.

He also talked about how Jesus did not come to save us from the Father, but that the Father looked down and saw us hurt and alone and it just broke His heart. So He told Jesus to go down and get us and bring us to Him. See, Jesus didn’t come to save us from the Father, but to bring us to Him. Such love.

Then Rick did an alter call for those who did not have fathers to come up and get ministry. As that was going on, he said God gave him a word, and that those who had fathers but it is as if the fathers had died, to come up. My heart opened at that sentence and I began to tremble violently and sob harder than I ever have. So I got out of my seat and walked up the aisle, towards a Papa who would love me, protect me and care for me, even though my earthly Daddy did not. I don’t remember much after that expect lying on my face before God, crying out the anguish and heartache that had filled my entire life. As I lay there crying, God showed me that I had walked out and started doubting God the same time I found out Dad had been having an affair and had become a man of deception rather than the man of God he used to be. When my earthly Daddy became false, untrustworthy and abandoned me, I immediately thought Papa God was just the same, so I shut my away my heart before that could happen and rebelled against everything I knew was right so I would not get hurt. I never had connected the two events before, so it kind of hit me like lightening!

By the grace of God, my eyes were opened that night and I felt the healing love of God being to flow through my veins and start to restore my soul. He makes everything beautiful in His time, even the damaged, untrusting wreck that was me. I chose in that moment, to give my life to God once again, to turn my back on the sins in my life and to give all I had to follow Papa, to the ends of the earth. I knew it would be far from an easy start, but far better that than a life lived in pain and suspicion.

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a Gateway of Hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity.” Hosea 2:14-15 NLT

Since that night, it has been a wild journey of mostly up’s, but some down’s too. An adventure into love and forgiveness, unmerited mercy and countless grace. I am finally “Me” again. I am full of joy and light, not the sad, scared, shell of a woman that I became over those harsh years.

I got baptised Sunday, 14 September 2014, and it has been a daily lesson in continuing to leave my past behind me, in grace, right where it belongs and looking forward with my eyes only on Him.

To higher and greater things!

“Oh, afflicted one, storm-battered and not comforted: I am rebuilding you with stones of turquoise, laying your foundations with sapphires, constructing your towers with rubies, your gates with jewels, and all your walls with precious stones. All your children will be taught by God and great will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established, oppression will stay far from you, you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed from you, it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be from me. Though the mountains shake and the hills fall to pieces, my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed.” Isaiah 54:10-15

Love, love,

Madeline

Unfinished

-
I am searching at the moment- trying to find where I am and how to get out of that place. So confused...

So much has happened over the past years- I am utterly lost and don't know how to find the way again.
-

My prayer

Rescue me!
Where are you, and why did you go?
I used to feel you so close
But now... I don't know

I am deep in despair
My pain e'r grows, my joy is lost
You have disappeared from my life
Must my soul be the cost?

I know not how
Each long night or fearful hour
To find you... are you near?
Daddy God, come again- be my strong tower

--

I don't know the end yet... will I find him?


Madeline
-

All poetry and writings are the original property of Madeline Bay and not to be copied or reused without explicit permission

Sunshine in Winter

--

It has been so rainy, dull and semi-depressing outside recently. Somehow I think that the surroundings we are placed in can often reflect on how we respond to our circumstances... Well, for me anyway. For example, I know that when there is crap going on in my situations, and its dark and dreary outside- I find it a lot more difficult to smile and be cheery. Maybe, in a small way, it is being counter-culture: you know, beacause wearing a smile in the middle of a storm is a wee bit anti-normal.

And today I woke up and the sunlight was streaming through the windows, illuminating that which was once bathed in darkness. And as I was lying there I just listened to the birds sing, and I allowed myself to ponder on what the new day had brought forth. As I allowed what I was observing to speak to me, it hit me hard, that we have to look for the good in life.

Smack-bang right in the middle of days and days of darkness, light and life breaks open the sky. And I think it is like that in our lives. Perhaps not quite so obvious in our circumstances, but if you look- you will find it.

There is a verse in Job that says "I have decided to forget my complaints: to put away my sad face, and be cheerful."
That is so important. We need to rethink our situations... I know that so often I look at where my wanderings have taken me, I look at my family situation, I look at the desperate state of my city- and I say to myself "Can any good come out of this?: out of me?"

But I am learning to retrain my thought patterns to perceive the good through it all. So then I look at the places I have wandered off to, and instead of seeing how lost I have been, to see how great the mercy is of God who continues to search for and find me. To look at my family and instead of the first thing I see being the intensity of the bad that is occurring- to see the smiles on their faces as they treasure time we can spend together. To walk around my streets and look at the love that is being shown every time we have a shake- to see that our people have reached into thier reserves to grasp whatever tiny bit of energy they have left- to see- to actually see all that and not just be unable to get past the cracks I can see on the surface of this place.

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends!His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."

"I will extol You, Lord, for you have lifted me up, and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you healed me; Lord, you brought my soul up from the grave; you have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit. Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of his, and give thanks at the rememberance of his holy name.
His displeasure may be for a moment, but His favour is for life.
Our tears may endure for a night- but joy will come in the morning."

Bless you heaps.
Much love,
Maddi

Sometimes the answer is where you forget to look...

--
Why do bad things happen to good people?

Sometimes we just don’t have answers- but this I know: God is not the author of sickness, he is not the author of tragedy, he is not the author of disasters. And sometimes we may never have answers for these things.

Look at what Job went through: he lost his house, his wife, and all his children, all in one day. But you know the thing about Job that is so amazing? He didn’t blame God- he said, “Shall not the God of all the earth do right?” The Bible says to weep with those who weep, and mourn with those that mourn… sometimes its ok to not have answers- there is a place for it. We want to be known, not just as people of compassion, but also as people of power. Romans says “the whole earth groans in wait for the Sons of God.”

God raised Jesus, and sent the Holy Spirit and authorised us to act in His name; and as believers, we have the answers, we have authority to deal with situations in the earth that come against us that cause catastrophe and harm; the bible says that “the whole earth groans for the revelation of the sons of God.”

Some people say “where is God in all this? Where is the God of Elijah, who did mighty things?” But the earth is crying out…”where are all the Elijah’s? Where is the faith?” And I just felt God challenge me last night as I was grieving for my family- there is a place for that. I know God is a god of compassion, and I know he isn’t to blame, and I know heaven is waiting for the manifestation of the sons of God.

Do not despair in the hour of your fear
Tomorrow will come just the same
And He will be there, to watch over each care
So don’t let your heart drift away

Lift up your eyes, there is a heavenly horizon
Help will be soon on its way
He never meant for you to carry life’s cares
So don’t let your hope fade away.

Heaven is longing for the day of restoration, the day of revelation
The power of the sons of God
Heaven waits, the whole earth groans
Waiting for the sons of God

Don’t let us be offeneded at God for what is going on- if we abandon our connection with God, who would we turn to? Sometimes the worries we have get to much to bear, and we take it out on God and we get bitter, and turn away from him. But that will never solve anything... he is the one we need to get through this all.

Don’t let your heart be hardened, don’t let it drift away… it is God who we need in this hour- it is him who holds our hope; His truth that gives us the ability to stand when we fall.

Hope is described as being an anchor- it's what holds us in place when we feel like our ship is being knocked about. Hope isn’t just wishing for something to happen, it is more than that- it is a confident expectation that good WILL happen.

When we are built up in truth, it builds our hope- when we understand the truth of God and his word, it increase in us the hope that we hold. When we discover God's truth about a situation, we will always abound in hope. Whatever heartache I am experiencing, whatever situation that is looming in front of me looking like an unconquerable mountain, I will remember that God's truth brings hope. This is the knowledge that strengthens and is the anchor that holds us firm- regardless of circumstances.

So discover the truth in your situation. When you discover God's truth and perspective on situations, hope begins to rise. Once truth is planted in our hearts, once we begin to look for his truth, and to believe it; hope becomes less of a survival mode and more of a confident trust and anticipation that God is in charge. 'Cause He is our daddy- and he would never do anything that was not going to accomplish the best for us. He has our back. And he will never let you down.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Ponderings...

---

I was driving to the airport to pick up a friend this morning, and as I got closer, the mountains got bigger. They are so beautiful today. Freshly deposited snow is covering them from top to bottom... they are pure white- so big and majestic. Near the top of them there is fluffy white cloud, and the summit is peaking out from above it. Seeing glory like that takes my breath away- I get overcome by the beauty and my heart begins to burst with awe. I can’t help but going “WOW Lord!” It amazes me. He is so beautiful. Everything around me screams his name. I look out at the creation around me, and my whole being resonates with a wonder that cannot be quenched.

I was driving down a tree-lined avenue...the trees like strong arms reaching towards the heavens, clothed in a splendour that is not of this world. The leaves are golden, orange, deep crimson....they speak to me. The gold reminds me of the heavenly purpose that God has created me for; the orange of the all consuming fire that is the unconditional love of God; the crimson of the Blood that was given for me. The wind picks them up and sends them in whirling flurries around the street, and to me it was a picture of what I want to be like... I want to speak to people of the heavenly purpose that each of us are destined for- I want to be a vessel of his Love- I want to be a reflection of his Blood: the grace and mercy that it represents.... I want to be like the flurries of leaves, dancing around and bringing beauty and joy to the world, swamping everything in their paths with reminders of who God is.

I am reminded of the passage in Luke 19 when the people were worshiping Jesus as he rode in to Jerusalem on the donkey, and the pharisees told him to rebuke them: but Jesus told them that if he were to silence the praise of the people that the very stones would begin to cry out. To me, it seems like they do that now...

The rain is pouring down my window-pane, and I am sitting here, watching the rain rush down the drainpipe and FLOOD the ground beneath it. I wanna be like that. I want God to flow through me like a winter storm, so that his love will burst out of me and be a torrent that goes far and wide in my circles of influence. Picture when you grab a rock and throw it into a lake with all the strength that you possess: your highest aim in that situation is to make the biggest splash possible... I want to do that in my life. When I walk into people's lives, I want to make an impact. I want to be one of the instruments that implements a tsunami of the knowledge of how much each of you are loved....

I want to be used. I want to be a blessing. I want to be me.

Much love,
Maddi

You think of me HOW MUCH?!?!?!

---

I was reading Psalm 139, and I came to verse 17 and 18:

"Precious are your thoughts of me, O God!
So great is the sum of them!
If I counted them, they would be more in number than the sand of the ocean..."

Which got me thinking. I am a very visual person, I need to picture things to take them in. And I just could not imagine what a number like that looked like. So I started to do a little bit of research and math (and when my mind got too overcome to add, I passed it over to a genius friend of mine...)

So it goes like this....

There are 1000 litres in a cubic metre (1 litre occpies a space of 10cm cubed), and 1 TRILLION litres in a cubic kilometre.


The World Ocean (The World/Global Ocean being the interconnected system of the earth's oceanic waters, and comprising the bulk of the hydrosphere) has an approximate volume of 1,347,000,000 cu/km {1.347 billion km(power of 3)}.


Therefore 1,347,000,000 x 1,000,000,000,000 = 1.34700 x 10 (power of 21) litres of water.

Another way of saying that is 1.35 SEXTILLION litres of water in the oceans, which is also 1.35 trillion-billion.


Every litre of seawater has approximately 35grams (1.2oz) of dissolved salt. There is 47.25 sextillion grams of salt in the ocean (472,500,000,000,000,000,000).

There is 6grams salt in a teaspoon. approx 40,000 grains of salt in a teaspoon. (200,000 grains in 35grams).

472,500,000,000,000,000,000 / 35 * 200000 = 2,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.'

That means there is approximately 2,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 grains of salt in the World Ocean. That is 2.7 septillion/quadrillion grains of salt.

I barely even know how to SAY that number....
After I worked all that out I realized that it said grains of sand as opposed to grains of salt. But apparently there is even MORE grains of sand than salt in the ocean, and God isn't gonna be picky about the numerical difference between sand or salt.

So get this... the amount of times God thinks about you is MORE than the grains of salt in the entire ocean. He thinks of you more than 2,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times. And that is a low estimate.

I can't comprehend that.

Just think about it.

He loves you.

Perhaps all that math and rambling means nothing to you, but to me it was huge. Like something heavy hitting me at an intense gale-force.

I really pray that God would give you a revelation of how much he loves you... He'll show you in a way that means something big to you.

Dancing in puddles of loooove....
Maddi.

Love Unhindered.

--

This is a poem God gave me today....

Love Unhindered.

Chaos swirling ‘round my head
Clothed in black, tears of red
My heart confused, it knows not what-
Can mercy find me, in this spot?

Cowered under crimson shame
I hear the Saviour call my name
Timidly I take a peek, and gaze at his broken feet
He picks me up and kisses me, and makes his knee my mercy seat

I hide my face upon His chest
And pretend that I am deep in rest
I cannot bear to see his eyes-
For in them I glimpse my unspoken lies

In his voice, such sorrow speaks
I can hear his heart rend as he weeps
He sees how I became besot
He cries as he ponders what was lost

He slowly reaches through my chest
Takes the guilt, the pain, and leaves the rest
As a crown on his head he wears it all
And it disappears as the Blood begins to fall

Now he stands to pull me to my feet
I slowly lift my head, and our eyes meet
“My little girl I love you, you’ve been redeemed;
So walk, head held high- your heart I’ve freed.”

I fell to the ground, and deeply sobbed
As I realized the treasure, of which I’d been robbed
But again he lifted me up; Beloved, you’re fully restored
Just bask in my love and know you’re my jewel, whom I adore.”

He then lit up the sky with stars so bright
And showed me how purely he’d dressed me in white
He twirled me, and spun me; we danced away
Until the sun rose on the glorious mercy of a brand new day.

-By Maddi Bay
9/2/2011

Grace. Redemption. Forgiveness. Mercy. Renewal. Direction.

and.i'll.never.be.the.same

Just a poem God that gave me the other day during my worship. I have been discovering this side of God in such a big way lately- it's so much fun :). I just love him to pieces. And I'll never be the same, now that He's overtaken me...


----

There is a song on my lips but I can’t find the words
A dance in my mind’s eye that has no steps
There is a joy so abundant it renders me foolish
A passion so deep I know not how to express

As I surrender myself to the Spirit of God
I am filled with a gladness that shakes to my core
A realization that the Ecstasy of heaven is mine
The fullness of Joy, I never knew to exist

Inebriated, intoxicated, deliriously high
Overwhelmed with this Bliss, consuming and fierce
Splashing and dancing in Love so deep
A new encounter in the Kingdom that reigns

Such a change from the person of gloom I once was
Entranced, and awakened, renewed by my God
Filled to explosion with His passion and joy
This indelible change, which forever remains.


-By Maddi 14/12/2010

-----

Lately I have been pondering who I am, and who I once was. The difference is so vast- reading through my old books of poems you can see the change. So drastic. I am completely and utterly grateful that God has showed me so much grace, and that He took the time to show me who He is and who I could be- who I am, in Him.
I am never going back to where I was. Yeh! :D

Peace,

Maddi

Love, love, LOVE!!! (this means JESUS!)

I have been having so much fun lately!

Ever experienced the delirious joy of being in love with Jesus? Well, go encounter God and get blasted! Best time of my life. No-one ever understands why I am so happy and possibly a little high; always thinks it is drugs or alcohol...errrm, no. JESUS! :D

Ahh, He is just so good!

I look all around me and I see Jesus, everywhere I look. Creation, people- it just awes me. Even when I see an amazing painting, or a really interesting old building, I feel myself going, "Woah Jesus, you are so awesome." It is so exciting! I love seeing God moving in everything. So awesome. I get my flags out and dance around with them in worship, and even the wind making them ripple fills me with wonder at the glory of God. Jesus, you are sooooooooooo GOOD! :D

So, Christchurch is going through this major awakening to the realization of God's presence and glory- it is really exciting! Everywhere I go I have been meeting people, like me, who are hungry, hungry, HUNGRY for more of God- people that are full on christians, raising the standard and becoming the old "normal": meaning; bible-believing, full of the Holy Spirit, carrying the fire of God. FUll of the power of God, working miracles, prophesying, seeing in the supernatural, *HAPPY*, and becoming intoxicated and abandoned in the heady love of our King. It's so exciting!!!

Three weeks ago I started praying for a new job, I've been desperately needing one with permanent hours because I am trying to save to go to BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) in Redding, California. Target date to leave is 25th August 2011- I have no idea why, that was just a date that God gave me. And I need enough money by then, and not having a proper job hasn't been helping the savings account.
Anyhoo, I started praying and looking on Trademe for jobs. I applied for one over the phone and the guy told me to come in: I had a two minute interview and I got the job!
It was fully God! And the pay is pretty darn incredible. AND, they are paying for me to get my General Managers license so that I can become the restaurant manager! JESUS much?? :D. Watch out Bethel, here I come!!!

In my lunch break a few weeks back I decided to go for a walk to Cathedral square, and I saw this big group standing way across the square by the road, and my little radar went "Oooo, JESUS!" so I went over to investigate. It was a bunch of young people hitting the streets with the power of God, sharing the Love with people, and praying. We saw HEAPS of healings!!! That was the best ever lunch break of my life! Got me so pumped...when I went back to work everyone was wanting to know what I had smoked. Haha....errrm, no. JESUS!


Loving this song ae- it speaks out pretty much exactly what I am feeling.

Intoxicating You are to me
Illuminating You are to see
Truly breathtaking You are to breathe
Sending my head swimming You are, You see

And I've lost my mind, I'm sure to find
Need to apologize for my
Lack of inhibition, for my
belligerent condition
But with You this near I'm dizzy

Inebriating You are to me
Completely captivating You are to see
Sending my world spinning You are, You see

And now I find a blurry line
Here between You and I
Raise the cup, drink 'til I'm full
Sing 'til I can't, 'til my voice is gone
And my head is spinning

La, la dee da
La dee da, dee da
Dee da da da
Hey la, la dee da
La dee da, dee da
Dee da da da

If I'm out of my mind it's You, You
'Cause I'm crazy in love with You, You
Inebriated by You, You
'Cause I'm head over heels with You, Jesus.



So yes. Jesus is where it's at peoples!
Go have an amazing day. Get into the real good stuff.
Love of God overtake you and blow your mind and mess with your senses.
Haha, go play with some angels or something.

Bless ya,
Maddi

Magic Kingdom

Magic Kingdom


Little girl dreams to be a princess
Wiggle my nose, away I go
Mirror, mirror on the wall
The face inside will tell me all
Beauty wakened with a kiss
Snow-white dreams, bed of bliss
Pretty in pink, a fragrant flower
Tucked inside an ivory tower


Middle-girl dreams to meet a lover
Strong, kind man to hold my hand
Gilded mirror on the wall
The face inside reveals it all
Beauty cheapened with a lie
Sordid dreams, bedroom eyes
Veiled in black, a ruined bride
Used, confused, and cast aside


Worlds away in a grownup land
Always moving, working, proving
Check the mirror on the wall
The face inside it shows me all
Beauty weakened with the years
Broken dreams, bed of tears
In the red and on the edge
Pressed in by a thorny hedge


King in bright and fiery light
Astride his steed, he rides for me
My mirror rests on heaven's throne
One glance to know as I am known
Beauty deepened by his face
Wildest dreams, bed of grace
Whitest robe and crown of gold
Bride of Christ, my future told

Resounding Love

I hear Your love so clearly
A whisper deep within
A reverberating echo-
A sweet song, luring me in

It ripples through my soul
And shatters my reserve:
Knocking down my walls
And sending life throughout my nerves

This love defies my logic
And confuses common sense
It messes with my knowledge,
And won't take recompense.

By Maddi
----

I have this overwhelming sense of worship. I can't explain it. Words cannot express. I am trying to find a word that explains a bit of the extent- I don't think such a word exists. I inebriated, drunken, intoxicated, joyous, delirious, ecstatic, mad, obsessed, possessed, filled, overtaken, ravished, undone.
It is a feeling I can't describe- I just know that it is the love of God. So intensely I want God- every minute of every single day! *Nothing else matters*

I feel the movement of God's Spirit in me- I see a dance in my soul. I hear a wordless song that cannot be voiced: it's expression a deep cry from within. A reflection of glory that cannot be fathomed by man. The song that angels sing: the sound of the heavenly anthem.

Hahaha, I see Jesus. He's looking at me, and I'm looking at him. He is holding a cup and it is full of a deep crimson liquid.
He is saying,

"I am the wine
the JOY,
the fullness of bliss
the Ecstasy of Heaven
the madness of men...
...I am JESUS."

Jesus. Full of power and might: the embodiment of heaven, the definition of love.
He is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I cannot fathom him- my mind is too small for comprehension; he makes me wonder, makes me awed. I try to understand him, but I can't. He loves me beyond anything I can imagine- and my imagination is pretty crazy!
I love him so much!! I can't begin to explain it to people- I just get lost in my search for words. His love has ruined me for any other thing- after being loved by God, how can you feel the love of another, unless it is of God...?

Ahhh. Jesus :D

Awakening in Christchurch

Hi All – this is a email an brother sent out the other morning on October 27 2010 –
Be blessed & Encouraged!

------------
Good Morning, Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

I am emailing you, because I know you to be a Christian or have heard that you are a Christian. I am writing to let you know that the Spirit of God is on the move again in Christchurch.
A prophet named Jason Westerfield, has been in the city and doing some meetings last weekend and God is moving in such a way that he has cancelled his agenda for the next month and is going to do meetings Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights for the next month. There have been a number or miraculous healings, most notably a women with a hole in the heart since birth has been doctor certified as being healed of that condition. Jason loves the Lord and is passionate about encountering him, he has been fully endorsed by Bill Johnson from Bethel and is a credible man of God.

I am not writing to get numbers to meetings or anything of the like, because North City Church (95A Sawyers Arms Rd), is not the church I got to. I am letting you know because when God begins to move it is exciting and not to be missed, ignored or rejected. The meetings are different to a normal church service, because God is coming powerfully, although this time around there seems to be only limited amounts of “shaking and baking”. Whenever the Lord comes he often comes in a way that breaks our religious mindsets, patterns and formulas, so it will challenge you but it is biblically and theologically sound, although some people always get into the flesh at times. This move has a focus on saving souls so is very exciting.

I know that everyone I am writing to are from different denominations and churches but God doesn’t align himself to any denomination or church, they have to align to different parts of his character. So whether you are Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox, Anglican, Presbyterian, Methodist, Baptist, Pentecostal, Charismatic or non-charismatic, we all serve the same God, and at this moment in history he is beginning to move by his spirit again in ChristChurch.

In recent history Christchurch has had several moves of God, and it seems that this is another one on the way. In the 80’s the lord moved powerfully through Murray Robertson at Spreydon Baptist church, in the mid to late 80’s he move through Peter Morrow at City Newlife (now the Majestic Centre) in 1992 he moved in Celebration Centre with Jill Austin and Murray Watkinson, this was before the Toronto blessing that happened in America in 1994.

The Meetings are at North City Church, 95a Sawyers Arms Rd at 6pm, starting 27th October.

Bless you all
Clark.
-----------

Blessings guys, it would be awesome if you could join in prayer and fasting for the revival of Christchurch- on the weekend we got a word specifically for 100,000 souls.
Lets allow a move of God to rise up in all of us.

Love Maddi.

Beautiful or Not??

Beautiful or Not??

Mirror, mirror on my wall
Can't I be the fairest of them all?
Yet all I see when I turn to you
Is blemishes and ugliness, through and through.

Instead of the strength God has placed in me
A weak, fearful girl is all I see
And the way God sees me; which I know is right
I have thrown in a cupboard, and locked out of sight

I wish I was smaller and had straighter teeth
Cos' I've forgotten true beauty is found underneath
If only the clothes I wear were three sizes too big
Then I'd be pretty, and wouldn't look like a pig.

If my hair wasn't frizzy, and my eyes were more blue
Maybe then when I see you, I'd value me too.
Or if I had talent, and could do something well
Even that might help me get out of this hell.

Because gazing at you and seeing my yucky old self
Is down-right depressing~ it's bad for my health
There's so much I'd change if I just had the choice
Hang on! I'm hearing a new sounding voice....

It's telling me that looks aren't what give me my price
I don't have lesser value cos' my face ain't quite right.
I am God-perfect, and that wins the prize over man
And heck, Jesus ain't phased by my lack of a tan.

The truth is I am beautiful, exquisite, unique
God thinks that I have a gorgeous physique
He told me that I am the apple of His eye
And that the value within me in immeasurably high

So sorry ol' Mirror you've lost this fight
Your lies couldn't hack it, and they went down tonight
Bigger than lies is Jesus, and He lives in me
And when I look to you, He'll be all that I see.

-by Maddi


I thought someone might be encouraged by this- it is a poem I wrote last year about my struggle with accepting myself. I think a lot of girls- and guys- can probably identify with it.

I really pray that God would reveal to you how HE sees you.
May you walk in the identity you have in Jesus- may you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are perfect in His eyes- and that is all that matters.

You are the apple of His eye; His beloved; His precious child; His desire. He has placed a crown of splendor on your head- and He has chosen YOU and His love is for you.

You are precious and honoured in His sight- He delights in you. He summons you by name and gives you a title of honour.

He made you and will carry you- He will rescue you. Before you were born He knew everything about you- He wants to display His splendor in YOU.

His unfailing love for you cannot be shaken. He wants to build you with turquiose and sapphire; He is making you to be a crown of splendor in His hand- a priceless jewel.

You are His delight, Beloved.

Sleep in the reassurance that you are His....

Love Maddi

JESUS!!

Once again I find myself on the beach seeking my King.
I'm watching the waves arise and then break open with all of their power- and I hear God say, "Revival is going to hit like that: over and over without ceasing; each new wave releasing a greater abundance of power."

The sun had been hiding behind the clouds and just now it came out. I saw it illuminate hundreds of fishing lines along the pier that a moment ago had been concealed. And it was like God speaking to my heart saying that SOON people will see the power of God in a whole new way- the manifest presence & power of God which we have rejected and ignored for so long is beginning to be revealed in an overtly bold way. It won't just be those with eyes open to see and ears open to hear that will experience it- but every single person.

And I speak to myself more than to anyone else: We need to ARISE!
We need to stand up, step up to the mark and be a generation that reveals JESUS to the world- in every aspect of who He is...that means breaking and loosing, healing, cleansing, freeing, releasing....
We CAN'T afford to be settled in complacency- we have to break that off and become desperate. So desperate that we wouldn't hesitate, but would do WHATEVER God requires to reach our Nations, without a second thought.
That like Paul we would be willing to be fools for Christ (heck, we are fools in so many OTHER ways- why can't we be foolish for Jesus?): that like King David we would say, "I would become EVEN MORE undignified than this!"

When will we start to not care about what we look like to others or what they are thinking?
When will we become so starving for God and so hungry to extend Him to the world that we stop at nothing?

I want to say NOW! I want to be a part of a crazy, consumed, desperate, God-thirsty generation that lives Jesus to His world. Every day.

Amen- SO LET IT BE!

You ARE Loved: Emmeline

To Emmeline.



-You ARE Loved-

Little girl, sweetie-pie
Lost and so confused
You don't feel loved and precious
Just hated and ill-used

You think that you can't do right
That you always fail
You blame yourself for others wrath
Your soul is feeling frail

You feel despair, you want to die
You think that'd solve the pain
In your mind you run so free,
But in life you're bound and chained

You lack the hope to pull you through
You slip from the truth of Truth
You are lost within the darkness
Of the deep, black hole you're in.

When you start to feel destroyed
When the enemy's attacks being
Remember Jesus is your Victor;
And Satan cannot win

I know you often feel alone
But this really is not true
Jesus ALWAYS holds you tight-
And this is what He says to you:

"You are so deeply dear to me
You're My beloved and My bride
And this love with which I love you
Binds you closely to My side.

My Daughter it hurts so much to know
You believe this to be true:
That if you do something slightly wrong
I delight in hurting you!

I would never do that My Love
I died so pain can't hold you down
Each thing I do to you is fully good
You live under My smile-not a frown

Please don't doubt My love for you
For it never, ever ends
It washes over you each new day
For you, from Heaven, it I send

I have a book that holds Your story
It's pages tell a plan
But I've left many blanks within-
You'll have to choose if you listen and follow;
Me, the Son of Man."

-by Maddi


"Therefore all those who devour you shall be devoured: And all your adversaries, every one of them shall go into captivity; Those who plunder shall become plunder, And all those who prey upon you I will make a prey. For I will restore health to you, and heal you of your wounds," says the Lord, "and they shall no longer call you an outcast." [jer 30.16-17]


"The Lord will cause your enemies who rise against you to be DEFEATED before your face; they shall come at you one way and flee from you in seven ways." [duet 28.7]


"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is your heritage as a servant of the Lord." [isa 54.17]


Be blessed!
love maddi

This is MY King!

I read this a few years ago when I was doing my certificates in Bible.
That is MY King. Hallelujah.

He is:
the King of the Jews,
the King of Israel,
the King of all the Ages,
the King of Heaven, the King of Glory,
the King of Kings; and Lord of Lords.

Do you know Him? Do you really?

A prophet before Moses,
A priest after Melchizidek,
A champion like Joshua,
An offering in place for Isaac,
A King from the line of David,
A wise counselor above Solomon,
A beloved/rejected/exalted son like Joseph-

And yet far more...

The Heavens declare His glory...
and the firmament shows His handiwork.
He who is,
who was,
and who always will be;
The First and the Last
He is the Alpha and Omega,
the Aleph and the Tau,
the A and the Z;
He is the first fruits of them that slept.

He is the "I AM that I AM"
The voice of the Burning Bush!
-the Captain of the Lord's Host
-the Conqueror of Jericho

He is enduringly strong;
-entirely sincere
-eternally steadfast

He is immortally graceful;
-imperially powerful
-impartially merciful

In Him dwells the fullness of the Godhead bodily;
The very God of very God.
He is our Kinsman-Redeemer and He is our Avenger of Blood;
He is our City of Refuge;
Our Performing High Priest;
Our Personal Prophet,
Our Reigning King.

He is the loftiest idea in literature,
He's the highest personality in philosophy,
He's the fundamental doctrine of theology,
He's the Supreme Problem in "higher criticism"!
He's the Miracle of the Ages;
the superlative of everything good.

We are the beneficiaries of a Love Letter:
It was written in blood,
on a wooden cross
erected in Judea
2,000 years ago.

He was crucified on a cross of wood;
Yet He made the hill on which it stood.

By Him were all things made that were made;
without Him was not anything made that was made;
By Him all things are held together!

What held Him to that cross?
It wasn't the nails!
(At any time He could have declared, "I'm out of here!")
It was His love for you and me.

He was born of a woman
so that we could be born of God;
He humbled Himself
so that we could be lifted up;
He became a servant
so that we could be made co-heirs;
He suffered rejection
so that we could become His friends;
He denied Himself
so that we could freely receive all things;
He gave Himself
so that He could bless us in every way.

He is available to the tempted and tried;
He blesses the young;
He cleanses the lepers;
He delivers the captives;
He discharges the debtors;
He forgives the sinners;
He franchises the meek;
He guards the besieged;
He heals the sick;
He provides strength for the weak;
He regards the aged;
He rewards the diligent;
He serves the unfortunate;
He sympathizes and He saves!

His Offices are manifold;
His Reign is righteous;
His Promises are sure;
His Goodness is limitless;
His Light is matchless;
His Grace is sufficient;
His Love never changes;
His Mercy is everlasting;
His Word is enough;
His Yoke is easy and His burden is light!

He is indescribable;
He is incomprehensible;
He is irresistible;
He is invincible!

The Heaven of heavens contain Him;
Man cannot explain Him,
the Pharisees couldn't stand Him and they learned they couldn't stop Him;
Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him;
the witnesses couldn't agree against Him.

Herod couldn't kill Him
death couldn't handle Him
the grave couldn't hold Him!

He has always been and He always will be;
He had no predecessor and will have no successor;
You can't impeach Him and He isn't going to resign!

His Name is above every other name;
That at the Name of Yeshua
Every knee shall bow
Every tongue shall confess
That Jesus Christ is Lord!
His is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory... for ever, and ever. Amen!

And that doesn't even begin to describe Him.
My God is great! All glory to Him forever.

love and blessings,
maddi

Times of Worship

I felt like I should share some stuff that God spoke to me about during a few worship times. I'll write it exactly as I recieved it...

Tonight I was at Realife at Grace and I was processing the name "Reallife" and started thinking about it and I felt God telling me this..:

"The reality of life isn't the day to day we are so familiar with. It's not the brokeness of our hearts & relationships ~ the reality is Jesus. When we look at Him we will see what is the realness of life- what is actual reality. Jesus. Our Righteousness. He is our reality. What we hold close and dear as valued to us is not the reality of what is most precious ~ Jesus is. The problems we deal with are not the reality of what God has for us ~ Jesus is. Jesus- His truth; His love, is reality. When all else fades and earth turns to dust, none of our former reality remains. Just Jesus- our God and Saviour~ that is the true reality, the reality that is eternal."

I was at Grace a few weeks ago and someone said something. It might have been Ps David, but I think it was someone during worsip- but anyway, the person said, "Do YOU dare to be the one to stand out in the crowd?"-challenging us to stand for God with all that we are... and God gave me this poem from it:

Stand

Set yourself apart Child
Go against the flow-
Don't be overrun by men
But STAND and be My own

It may not be the easiest-
Might not gain you friends,
You could become the the brunt of joke
Maybe you'll be slammed

But, for such a little price
Can't you stand with pride,
And shout My Name to all the earth?
Do not be ashamed.

Will you choose to honour Me
Will you proclaim that you're My Child?
Do you dare to be the one
Thats different from the crowd....

-by maddi

Yup. And a few weeks back from there I visited the Celebration Centre and God just began speaking to me during worship and so I started writing and God just took hold of my pen and yeh.... :

You took the heavens

And brought it to earth
You took Your glorious Son
And placed Him in me

I am not bound,
Am not restricted.
Grace flows from my soul-
You came to earth
Freed and redeemed me-
Made me all Your own

You took us sinners
Gave us a chance-
You took the broken
Restored them to be whole

All that I have
Every small part
Be Yours alone- all Yours

Your kingdom is here
Ready to explode-
Ready to make Your Name known

Your Blood covers all sin
Expells the destruction
Brings freedom unknown to men

Over and over and over again
You hold me and tell me I'm Yours.

Yeh. Lots of random stuff but I felt like God wanted me to share it with you's.

If anyone is thirsty, let them go to God and drink...
Go and be filled with the power of God and drink in His living water.

Peace be with you.
Blessings,
maddi

Be released!

Come break the chains,
The chains that hinder love.
All that remains of yester year.
Come break the chains,
The chains that pull me down.
Come break the chains and draw me near.

Let Your fire burn consuming me,
Let Your jealous flame
Come take away everything!
Let Your fire burn consuming me,
Let Your jealous flame
Come write Your name upon my heart,
Until all that remains
Is the Light of Your countenance
And I will be satisfied when I awaken
As a lover of You!

-Come Break the Chains, by Misty Edwards


I so desperately want more of God- I want an infilling of His Spirit, I want to be flooded with His love. I want Him to overwhelm me and burn away everything that is not of Him; I want to be holy like He is holy. I so desperately want to be changed into His image, to be one with God. I want there to be nothing but God in my life, to have nothing hindering me- for God to be all I desire. I feel a passion inside me, arising, growing stronger day by day. You know how lions roar and the people tremble and cower in fear? I'm gonna be like that- I gonna be like the lion, that when I open my mouth to speak the darkness trembles, and the minions of Satan flee because they feel and hear Jesus coming from me so undeniably, that they can't do anything but melt in His presence.

I thought I lost, but actually I won
For by His blood we all have overcome
There is no failure, our God can never loose
And that same power, it now belongs to you

Now it’s time to celebrate all banners raised
(I’ve got the VICTORY, the VICTORY)
Because the devil is defeated and God be praised
(I’ve got the VICTORY, the VICTORY)
Every situation I face, I win
(I’ve got the VICTORY, the VICTORY)
And everything works for my good in the end
(I’ve got the VICTORY, the VICTORY)

I am so tired of seeing people- me, my friends, christians(!) living in defeat. ARGH!
We have the power in Jesus- through His name and His blood, yet we still live as if we don't! We stay sitting in the hands of satan just watching the world go by- hating our lives and what they have become. Yet we don't do anything about it! GRRR! We have to get off our butts and walk- step by step, as slow as it might be, into the victory Jesus has won for us. What a waste of life if we live in fear the rest of our lives. We gotta arise and step into our destinys, gotta shake the world of our shoulders and stand STRONG. IN JESUS! Arise and SHINE- God has anointed us to preach GOOD news to the poor, to HEAL the brokenhearted, to proclaim FREEDOM to the captives, and the OPENING of prison to those who are bound. But how can we do that when WE are *STILL* bound and living in captivity and brokeness ourselves?

In Jesus Name be released.

May you begin to realize the blessings God has given you and start to discover them in a whole new way.

love in Jesus,
maddi